I bought a car on Sunday. I am so proud of myself because I went out and bought it by myself, with cash I had saved, and I had no help from anyone. (I did have help the day before looking at other cars, but this one was all me). Its surprising what you can do when you put your mind to it, and in my case, the reason I put my mind to it was anger.
I had had an arguement with Dan earlier in the weekend about him having no respect for me and blaming me for everything and just being angry with me all the time. He said its because I am ALWAYS THERE and he CAN'T MOVE ON. Which I deny. I am there because we work together, and I am there in his flat in the mornings because he gives me a lift to work. And I am there at any other time because I thought we were friends enjoying spending time together, and because he still hasn't told his parents that we broke up 8 months ago and I moved out 13 months ago so for HIS BENEFIT I just go along with this bullshit which is very detrimental on my lifestyle, having to pretend I live somewhere that I don't. Well apparently its not like that at all, apparently I am a limpet who can't do anything on my own and its all my fault and my problem.
So I bought myself a car, with my money, and I am moving house in 2 weeks, by myself, and I am looking for a new job which I know I can get if I put my mind to it. And best of all, I have decided that I will not be held responsible for other peoples happiness or misery unless I have actually done something to influence it. And you know what? I am HAPPY for the first time in about a year. I have stopped kidding myself that me and Dan may someday get back together, and right now I don't want to be with him ever again. I will contemplate staying friends with him if his attitude towards me improves, otherwise I will just speak to him at work about work related things. Until I get a new job, and then its up to him whether he wants to be my friend or not. I do hope he does, but if he doesn't I am not going to dwell on it.
So I got this car, and seriously, I was in tears driving back from the supermarket on Monday night because I HAVE FREEDOM again and I never even realised that I needed it so much. Everyone I have seen since Sunday has said how cheery I am now, and I feel it too! I don't need to rely on anyone anymore, and there should be no more chances of me thinking someone is doing me a favour whilst they are constantly resenting my presence.
Don't expect this post to stick around too long. I needed a rant but I feel uncomfortable knowing that certain people could read this and it would just be turned around into my fault again.